A Schizophrenic Scholar

Student: How can I prepare to be successful in graduate school?

Me: I gave the student a list of things to try, including: Write daily. A blog is a great way to systematically capture your thinking.

Student: I started the blog, but I wouldn't recommend reading it yet as it doesn't seem too professional.

Me: Do NOT (I repeat, DO NOT) worry about trying to make it look or sound professional. That is about the fastest way I know to give yourself writer's block (and to ruin most of the perfectly good thoughts you would be likely to have). Instead, think of it as an informal journal--a place where you jot down your ponderings, your musings, your half-formed thoughts about the things you are reading and experiencing. The rawness of the thoughts is part of what will make it powerful and valuable to you as a source of inspiration for your scholarly work in the future.

Meta-me: I really ought to take my own advice.

Meta-me 2: But my raw thoughts are often random! But aesthetics and design matter! But I'm just a teacher, not a scholar! But now that I have a Ph.D., people will expect more of me! But I'm a perfectionist!

Meta-me: So THAT'S why you don't post more than about once a month!

Meta-me 2: But it won't matter anyway!

Meta-me: And what if it does? You'll never know as long as you leave the rest Unwritten.

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I am SO irritated with SONY for disabling embedding of their videos!

Practices Makes . . . Daffodils?

"On this Sunday afternoon I keep playing the notes anyway, running through every piece. Because that's important too, to have each note of each score burned into my mind and my fingers. The physical part of the performance needs to feel as natural as pouring water from a pitcher. Still, with just two days to go, I should be feeling actual music. It should feel real. The composer's ideas ought to be burning the paint off my practice room walls. The emotions should be vaporizing the muscles and the violin and the fingers and the bow, until there's nothing left but pure thought. Because that's what a true performance is, and nothing less will do" (Clements, 2006, p. 100).

As I prepare my mind for the new semester on this Sunday evening, the fact that I have not yet finished the revisions on my dissertation weighs heavily upon me. It seems that after having written 10 chapters (586 pages), "I should be feeling actual music. It should feel real." My ideas ought to be burning SOMETHING up! However, instead of "pure thought" I currently have a muddy, slushy mess that isn't that much different from the winter roads outside. And, just as snow loses its appeal after one has been entrapped by it for several months, I have a terrible case of cabin fever with respect to these ideas. I am SO ready for Spring in every sense of the word! I can only hope that as it draws nearer, the frozen extremities of my mind will also begin to thaw, nurturing mental crocuses and daffodils that will assure me that this wretched winter will not last forever.

References

Clements, Andrew. (2006). Things hoped for. NY: Philomel Books.

Of Cabins, Comps, Colleagues, & Continued Progress

My friends organized a writing retreat to help me make progress on my dissertation.







Marjorie graciously arranged for us to spend a week in a cabin about 40 minutes away. When I heard there was no air conditioning, I was expecting a dirty, musty shack made out of boards with spiderwebs in the windows and a wooden screen door that slammed every time it opened or closed.












Evidently, so was Ann--as you can see what she thought we might need!








We were quite surprised to discover we were staying in the equivalent of a luxurious bed and breakfast instead! I also found it hysterical that I was sleeping on flannel sheets under a blanket, a down comforter, and a quilt, in a room that was not air conditioned in the middle of July and was QUITE comfortable! Only in Michigan!












It was SOOO beautiful!














Such a comfortable, healing, restful place for our souls!






Anny planned and cooked a healthy, gourmet menu of meals every day. Although I must admit I raised an eyebrow when she was rattling off the names of some of the dishes--everything was absolutely delicious! This photo is of Seven Grain Porridge with Apricots, Fresh Fruit, and Nuts.













Red, White, & Blue Pancakes (in honor of the 4th of July)







Millet Salad, Homemade Whole Wheat Bread (made with white wheat), and Zucchini Squash Medley











Spicy Turkey Meatball & Cabbage Soup with Mediterranean Salad (exceptionally delicious)!
















Poached Pears with Toasted Walnuts & Real Maple Syrup








It is amazing what 3, delectable, healthy meals per day does for one's energy level, not to mention one's skin, overall health, etc.! They pleased the eye, gladdened the heart, and filled the soul (not to mention the stomach)! It was truly a gift to be called to the table without having to lift one finger in preparation or clean-up!






Ann also contributed her culinary talents--surprising us with a scrumptious Rosemary Roast Chicken.
















Ann's fresh Gazpacho, went very well with Anny's Mediterranean Salad and leftover Chicken Walnut Salad.







It almost makes you want to do a dissertation, doesn't it?! (Ha!) Just to discourage any romanticized notions . . . you might also like to know that Cabin Fever (also known as Dissertation Dementia) can manifest itself in the strangest ways!
Anny's symptoms included a strange affinity for protein powder (underscoring for me that even health should be pursued in moderation)! I can't stand the stuff and fortunately, Anny believes in the value of personal agency, so I was able to keep my cereal free of it!








Once we removed that temptation from her, she took to throwing dice made of marshmallows and chocolate chips on the kitchen counters! (Some of the chocolate chip "numbers" came off the sides--a convenient way to load the dice, don't you think?)














Marjorie's symptoms were no better. She thought the recipe for onion rings on the back of the Fiber One box was a great idea. Anny was quick to agree. Perhaps the dice determined which onion was first into the frying pan? At any rate, it only took one bite for me to know that Fiber One onion rings were NOT going to become a permanent part of my culinary repertoire. Dipping sauce made out of yogurt and some kind of spicy Thai sauce did nothing to improve the flavor.











Although I'm sure it SOUNDS like all we did was eat and sleep all day, everyone worked VERY hard!

Anny worked on revising a paper for publication.













Ann scribed as Marjorie talked through elements of her dissertation.













I spent most of my time analyzing data in this very comfortable chair. How did I ever manage before laptops?!











We did leave our work long enough for a trip to a local bakery for internet access so I could send off my considerably shortened, thoroughly REVISED revised comprehensive examination paper. I love YouConvertIt.com because it makes PDFs for free AND maintains hyperlinks . . . but it sometimes takes a few hours to arrive in your e-mail. So, after all that, I had to wait until I got home to send it off. (I know--about time after over a year! Thanks for your continual prayers--it was truly a trial!)










I celebrated with some emotional fireworks (expectations are so dangerous and data can be SO uncooperative at times!), cooled off with a short walk, then built a real fire capable of roasting marshmallows.









I guess I must have learned something from all those years at Girls Camp after all (except to wear bug spray--I hate it, so I ended up abandoning my friends to eat my S'more in the mosquito-free safety of the cabin). Ann helped me outline the remaining chapters of my dissertation! Hooray!







Oh that I could dispense with my dissertation as easily as Anny used this log to dispense with the trash we didn't want to carry home on our laps! Still, progress is progress!

A Very, Very, VERY Long Road

Supposedly, I'm on the home stretch of what has been a very long, intensely painful, very miserable four years. It involves finishing a dissertation, prepping a 10-day summer institute for Chinese teachers, and revising a paper required for graduation--all in the next three weeks. (We won't even talk about the cross-country move that awaits me after that.) From my vantage point, the road ahead looks very long, very muddy, and filled with irritating mosquitoes (like IRB renewals)!

I'd rather be writing about the abundant life that fills the rest of the world, like the inch-long ant (seriously!) that came to visit me last night, my favorite tree--perfect in every season, the bird parents that faithfully feed the babies that live above my balcony at 5:30 a.m. and 5:30 p.m., or the idyllic farmscapes on the way to my friend's houses. I guess "real" life, and its accompanying stories, will have to wait for another day.

For now, here's the Twitter version of my dissertation (plus a few additional characters):



The world has changed. School hasn't. Although learning is inherently joyful, school is absolutely mind-numbing. Most educators lack the vision and the transliteracy skills to create compelling learning environments. High quality professional development shifts perspective through powerful paradigms, playful pedagogy, and the modeling of multiple representations. As teachers view their professional responsibilities through new lenses, changes in their practice follow.

And this is the Twitter version of my current take on graduate school: Dissertations make you dumb!

Hot Off the Presses (Well, at Least the Presses of My Mind!)

I've always liked to write, and producing copious amounts of text has never been a problem for me . . . until I moved here. Now that someone is telling me I have to write, I finally understand what the phrase squeezing blood out of a turnip means. (I am also coming to understand that turnips are entirely way too stubborn for their own good!)

Nonetheless, I still entertain thoughts about how school must have made Einstein feel, along with ideas about all the things I might write if someone weren't insisting that I do so. I derive a secret pleasure from generating potential titles and acknowledgments pages--both layered with lots of barely disguised meaning. I've forgotten the more "scholarly" ones because I haven't bothered to write them down, but here are a few whimsical ones that amused me:

ABD is Good Enough for Me!: Why Our Best & Brightest Are Checking Out Instead of Trading Up

ABD - All But Dissertation or All But Dead?: How Grad Schools Are Smothering Innovation & Killing Creativity

From Pollyanna to Puddleglum: Case Studies of Depression, Dementia, & Distractability in Doctoral Candidates

Bitter? Who me? Naaaah!