"Because I want things to work out the way they do when Bach is in charge. Or Paganini. Or Jane Austen. Or even Yeats. Because I'm desperate for a nice, tidy ending, maybe with a pleasant rhyme or two, or that wonderful last burst of symphonic harmony that makes me want to shout "yes!" But it's not happening that way" (Clements, 2006, p. 153).
Have you ever had a conversation with someone that made whatever you were struggling with feel worse instead of better? I had that experience this week, and it hurt. A lot. Although it was thoroughly unpleasant, as I have reflected on it for the last several days, there are a few salient points that I intend to try to make rules of thumb in my own future interactions with others:
1) ASK for more information about the situation, about what the person has tried so far, and about how the person is feeling (even if you think you already know), then REALLY listen for as long as it takes.
2) ACKNOWLEDGE that the situation is hard/complex.
3) AFFIRM (validate) that the situation hurts/feels bad. (Don't try to talk the person out of their feelings. Instead, give the person permission to feel.)
4) ENCOURAGE by reminding the person of the unique qualities you see in them that indicate to you they have the capacity to manage the situation.
5) EXPAND the person's vision by helping them to see the answers within themselves, asking them to think about next steps, and pointing out that they do not have to endure it alone because you, others, and Christ will help.
6) AVOID giving "answers." If you cannot contain yourself, then at least offer them as questions instead of statements.
7) REMEMBER that the nice things the person does for others may very well be an indication of the things that most help them feel loved, served, and encouraged.
Note to audience: Feel free to print this on cardstock, laminate it, and whip it out when you need a handy reference for what to do with me (or your two-year-old) the next time either one of us are upset about something! ;-) For those of you who prefer more authoritative sources than self-appointed psychologists like me, read Gary & Joy Lundberg's excellent book, "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better." When I first read it, I thought, "Duh." However, applying the principles is not as easy as it might first appear, and they really do work on people ages 1 to 101.
Note to self: Remember not to choose to take offense when you are having a conversation with a well-intentioned person who is obviously a bit behind on their blog reading and didn't get this handy-dandy reference card printed!
Brainteaser: Can you turn those E words in #4 and #5 into A words! (I love alliteration!)
References
Clements, Andrew. (2006). Things hoped for. NY: Philomel Books.
Showing posts with label harmony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label harmony. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
The ABCS: A Symmetry, Balance, Control
So I've been trying to get my life "under control" for some time now (a lifetime, to be quite honest). However, I've also been thinking about symmetry for quite some time now . . . first in terms of visual symmetry, but now in terms of other kinds of symmetry too. Breaks in symmetry really represent disruptions of a larger system, disjunctures in harmony, a lack of balance. They are also important signals (at least according to the quantum physics I've been reading) that something is amiss in one's theoretical framework.
"Let me answer your question using a symmetry argument. Symmetry is an important concept in science. You ask if I could combine my career with marriage, and yet very seldom is the same question asked of a man. That shows a lack of symmetry. Question: Is this lack of symmetry imposed by cultural differences or by nature itself? It seems to many that it has been imposed by tradition" (Weyland, 1984, p. 150).
Weyland, Jack. (1984). A new dawn. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.
I was reminded of these musings when one of my clients today explained her thoughts about the problems created by "information asymmetry" in higher education as part of a paper she was writing. In thinking about education, I came to the conclusion that when we feel overwhelmed by the complexity of teaching, learning, or education in general, we attempt to "control" it by legislating it, wrapping it in policies and procedures, writing course syllabi, and assessing our efforts.
Then I started thinking about the movie, Space Camp--specifically, the scene where the female astronaut is in the gyroscope and is trying to "control" her situation, which is spinning out of control. The key to that situation was balance . . . in 3 dimensions.
It occurs to me that the same is true of life. It will ALWAYS be complex. It is IMPOSSIBLE to control it. Every time something changes in the system (which is constantly), imbalance is introduced in the system. It can feel chaotic, but the trick is to avoid the common response in which we instinctively try to impose order on the chaos by controlling it, and instead, allow ourselves to embrace the chaos, feel its rhythms, and eventually, realign the various dimensions of ourselves in such a way that we bring the various elements of the system back into balance (or harmony).
Musically speaking, we have to "listen" to our lives, and then seek to replace dissonance with the beautiful sound of resolving chords that restore harmony.
"Let me answer your question using a symmetry argument. Symmetry is an important concept in science. You ask if I could combine my career with marriage, and yet very seldom is the same question asked of a man. That shows a lack of symmetry. Question: Is this lack of symmetry imposed by cultural differences or by nature itself? It seems to many that it has been imposed by tradition" (Weyland, 1984, p. 150).
Weyland, Jack. (1984). A new dawn. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.
I was reminded of these musings when one of my clients today explained her thoughts about the problems created by "information asymmetry" in higher education as part of a paper she was writing. In thinking about education, I came to the conclusion that when we feel overwhelmed by the complexity of teaching, learning, or education in general, we attempt to "control" it by legislating it, wrapping it in policies and procedures, writing course syllabi, and assessing our efforts.
Then I started thinking about the movie, Space Camp--specifically, the scene where the female astronaut is in the gyroscope and is trying to "control" her situation, which is spinning out of control. The key to that situation was balance . . . in 3 dimensions.
It occurs to me that the same is true of life. It will ALWAYS be complex. It is IMPOSSIBLE to control it. Every time something changes in the system (which is constantly), imbalance is introduced in the system. It can feel chaotic, but the trick is to avoid the common response in which we instinctively try to impose order on the chaos by controlling it, and instead, allow ourselves to embrace the chaos, feel its rhythms, and eventually, realign the various dimensions of ourselves in such a way that we bring the various elements of the system back into balance (or harmony).
Musically speaking, we have to "listen" to our lives, and then seek to replace dissonance with the beautiful sound of resolving chords that restore harmony.
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